What do flight attendants always tell us before takeoff? We must first put on our own oxygen mask before assisting others. That rule makes perfect sense: We can’t help someone else if we’ve passed out.
Yet we parents have a tendency to do the complete opposite every day. We focus on our kids’ and even our spouses’ needs, wants, and schedules while pushing our own way down on the priority list. But we cannot keep caring for everyone else if we don't take a moment to refill our empty cup too.
When I have an empty cup
From the moment I awake, my mind automatically reviews my to-do list: Do I have everything my sons need for the day? What appointments do I need to schedule? Which house projects need follow up? What meals should I plan? What ways I can engage my toddler for the day? And thus my thoughts run wild. No wonder my mind and body grind to a halt by 6:30 p.m.
Moreover, consider the days that spiral out of control: The kids keep fighting. I forget the laundry in the washer. The dishes hide the kitchen counter. Toys teleport all around the house. The cat won’t stop tripping me. My preschooler protests going potty. And I hand the wrong-colored plate to my eldest (how dare I!).
I tend to keep going so I can cross off one more to-do list item. I fool myself into believing I can do it all.
Amidst that swirling chaos, my chest tightens. I clench my teeth. I place plates and close drawers more aggressively. My tone sharpens. My ability to stay focused and calm dwindles significantly. These flashing red lights and blaring sirens are clearly warning me that I’m running on empty, that I need to pause a moment and refill my own emotionally empty cup.
And do I listen? Not always.
Rather than giving myself a moment to breathe, I tend to keep going so I can cross off one more to-do list item. I fool myself into believing I can do it all.
Truth be told, I can’t. Because I always have one more thing to do. I’m just running myself ragged. And if I melt down, then I have to spend more energy and time resetting myself and repairing my relationship with my kids, which means I’ve actually made the opposite of progress.
Proactive ways to make the day better
When I do give myself breaks, my kids and I have a much better day. I’ve gotten better at verbalizing to my kids that I’m feeling overwhelmed and that I need a moment to quiet my tired mind. They sort of understand what I mean. But I have to be the one to act, to give myself permission to step away, to be proactive in addressing my needs rather than reactive to the chaos.
I have to be the one to act, to give myself permission to step away, to be proactive in addressing my needs rather than reactive to the chaos.
If the kids are playing nicely, I take that opportunity to ask myself what I need and step away quietly. If the kids are fighting with each other, I help them resolve their issues while silently promising myself I’ll tend to myself as soon as they’re okay.
If I’m suffocating under endless demands, I announce that I have to use the bathroom or get a drink and that I’ll be right back. If all else fails: screen time to the rescue.
Below are my tried-and-true, quick go-to ways to refill my emotional cup so I can start or redirect my day with a positive frame of mind. Each method takes only 5 to 10 minutes! Yet doing just one or two a day helps me remember that my well-being is equally important.
Moreover, these methods helped me to better understand that before I can be there for my kids in the way I want and the way they need, I have to tend to myself first.
My favorite refill methods
First, give yourself permission to take 5 to 10 minutes for yourself. Everyone deserves a break, including you.
Second, don’t overwhelm yourself trying these all at once. If you do just one a day for a week, you’ll begin retraining your brain to recognize more quickly you’re running on empty, and you’ll actually stop and help yourself.
Third, print this free poster, and hang it up in the kitchen or wherever you can see it every day. Remember, your needs are important too.
1. Schedule morning yoga
When I get myself out of bed just 10 minutes earlier, I can fit in a morning yoga routine that helps me to proactively set my intention for the day. I can actually do this before the kids start asking for breakfast or where their missing toy is hiding.
I saved a YouTube list of 10- to 15-minute morning yoga routines. Just this one habit leads me to walk out of my bedroom smiling contently.
2. Do a quick meditation
If I don’t do yoga, I try to meditate either early in the morning, during the kids’ nap or quiet times, while I wait for grocery pickup, or just before I drift off to bed. Our insurance includes free access to Headspace, and I like its 5- to 10-minute body scans.
Because the app walks me through relaxing each muscle group, I learned which muscles tighten when I’m stressed. Now I know that when my shoulders are stiff, I need to give myself space to relax.
Check your insurance for similar mental health benefits. Otherwise, a Google search for “5-minute morning meditation” yields many results.
Also, my easiest meditation methods is focusing on my happy place: I imagine myself laying in a meadow. I conjure the feeling of grass tingling my arms, sunlight warming my face, the sound of a stream trickling nearby, and the sensation of the world drifting past the clouds. I let the sunlight fill me with positive thoughts and imagine my worries disolving into the earth beneath me.
3. Set a goal and prioritize it
Believe it or not, but setting one goal for myself each morning helps me to feel more in control of myself and my day. I pick just one thing I want to accomplish, something small enough that I know I’ll be able to achieve it even if I don’t have a massive amount of time.
For example, I plan to write just two paragraphs for my next article. I set aside time in the evening to remove my chipped toenail polish. I use the kids' nap time or screen time to read one chapter of my book or to identify a new recipe I want to try. Because these steps are manageable and realistic, I know I can achieve them within a reasonable amount of time.
4. Extend good moments
According to Dr. Rick Hanson, author of Hardwiring Happiness, we have half a dozen good moments in a day. For example, a spouse makes you extra coffee. Your child gives you an unsolicited hug. Or you have a good laugh with a friend.
But we usually feel that good moment for maybe 5 seconds before moving on. However, if we slow down and extend a happy moment by just 20 to 30 seconds more, we enrich that experience and create a neural trace, says Dr. Hanson.
Think about that: We need to spend only half a minute soaking in a good moment to help embed that feeling in our brains.
Furthermore, if we dive deeper and spend just 5 minutes sinking into feelings of safety, peace, calm, contentment, gratitude, and love, we’ll change our day. If we do this 3 days in a row, we’ll begin building a new resilience habit. And if we do it for a week or two, other people will notice our calmer demeanor.
5. Delight in our children
While this could fall under “Extend good moments,” I like to think of delighting in my children as a method all to itself because while the days can drag on, the years fly by too quickly.
Rather than always thinking about the next thing I need to tackle, I find opportunities to stop and sit in a moment with them. For example, I take a good look at my kids. I memorize more clearly the smile on their faces, their curiosity at work, the love they implant in my heart, the weight of my toddler's chubby arm around my neck.
By soaking in that delicious moment for as long as possible, I can refill my cup to the brim.
6. Actually get a drink of water
If I need to disappear for a moment, I let my kids know I’m not abandoning them. I reassure them that I just need a drink of water. And then I step away, fill my glass with cold water, close my eyes, tune out the chatter, and concentrate on that cool water refilling me.
It’s a simple moment just for me, where I can be in my own headspace and not worry about anything around me.
7. Dance
Research has proven that music influences our mood and exercising releases endorphins and thus positive feelings. So when I think the world is falling apart, I switch on my bluetooth player and search for my favorite feel-good song: “Here Comes the Sun” by The Beatles.
If my kids are moody, this helps them too and creates a bonding moment.
Dancing and being silly breaks the tension not only in the room but also inside myself and redirects the vibes of our whole day. And that shift starts with just one simple moment that I have the power to initiate. You can too.
8. Use your five senses
Another way I ground myself in the present is by focusing on each of the five senses. Sometimes I verbalize internally what I’m seeing, hearing, touching, smelling, and tasting to help myself not get distracted.
Don’t think you have time to engage all five senses? Make a cup of tea! Listen to the water boil. Watch the rising steam. Inhale the scent of herbs or spices. Focus on the taste. Hold that cup in your hands, and let its warmth travel up your arms.
To speed up the process, you can compile a list for each sense, such as those included in “Using Your 5 Senses to Self-Sooth” on ThinkClinicalPsycologists.com.au. Here is my list of favorites:
Sight
I look at favorite photos hanging on the wall. I remember my kids’ bright smiles. I'll study the sunlight filtering through the window. Sometimes I take myself back to sitting on the stairs of my friend’s house, looking outside at the rice fields and purple mountains of Japan.
Sound
I listen for sounds beyond my kids: the dishwasher swooshing, the AC turning on, the geese honking outside, or even a song I turn on to change the mood in the room. If all else fails, I hum quietly to remind myself that “it’s all right.”
Touch
I keep stress balls in the living room. Other favorite tactile calming methods include petting my cat or hugging myself. I love placing my hands on top of the cool, granite countertop. We also keep this sensory fidget toy bundle in a bucket in our living room.
Smell
I step outside and inhale the fresh air or the scent of my deck flowers. Sometimes I switch on my electric candle wax warmer and infuse the air with citrus or lavender. I also love my incense burner, but I use that only after the kids have gone to bed. And of course both my kids and I cherish the smell of freshly baked goods.
Taste
I try to savor the taste of a hot cup of tea, fresh fruit, a bite of chocolate, or chewing gum. I also force myself to sit down and enjoy at least one meal a day, distraction-free.
If my kids interrupt, I assure them I’ll help as soon as I’m done eating. If they keep interrupting me, I explain that my meal will take longer if I can’t focus on eating, so they’ll have to wait longer until I can help them; they usually run away then.
9. Tap away pent up negative feelings
Emotional Freedom Technique, or EFT, involves tapping on nine acupressure points. This way, trapped negative feelings can flow through and exit the body. When I first heard about this method, I dismissed it—until I felt miserable every day for three weeks and became desperate. I wish I had tried this method sooner. My stress and anxiety melted away halfway through my second run through, all of which took maybe 7 minutes.
The process starts by acknowledging aloud my problem, followed by affirmation. At the time, I had opted to homeschool my kindergartner and toddler because of COVID, so my statement was this: “Even though I feel overwhelmed and scared and as if everything depends on me, I am enough. I accept myself. I can handle this.”
As I repeated that idea, I tapped several times on each pressure point in this order: the side of my hand (at the karate chop point), the beginning of my eyebrow, the corner of my eye, under the middle of my eye, under my nose, on my chin crease, the beginning of my collarbone, under my armpit, and the top of my head.
Learn more about EFT and its uses for reducing anxiety, depression, and PTSD symptoms: “What is EFT Tapping?” by MedicalNewsToday.com.
10. Use a coping spinner
Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed that I can barely hear my own thoughts, let alone pause and choose a method to help myself. Thus, to remove that pressure, I created a blank coping strategies spinner. In its eight sections, I drew doodles depicting ways I can refill my emotionally empty cup (all of which I listed in this article). Download for free this blank spinner and create your own.
Moreover, turn your spinner into a conversation starter with your kids about how we all feel big emotions, that those feelings are normal, and that we can take steps to help ourselves feel better. Then model those techniques for your kids so they grow up knowing that they shouldn’t feel guilty about making their needs a priority among their future family.
You can also help your child make their own spinner, so they feel involved, empowered, and invested in their strategies. Or you can download for free the pre-made spinner I created for my child after we’d already had conversations about calming methods he would like to try.
To my readers:
What are your favorite ways to refill your emotional cup?
Featured photo by Nataliya Melnychuk on Unsplash
