Before becoming a parent, I had zero insight into what I had signed myself up for. While I dreamed about the first time I'd hold my sweet baby boy, the months I'd spend kiss his toes and awaiting his laughter, and the nights I'd spend reading him bedtime stories, no one explained to me the mental and physical transformation of parenthood. Neither books nor classes prepared me for the mental toll of hyper vigilance, maintaining a growing household, and being the emotional linchpin for my kids. I had no warning how quickly I’d prioritize everyone else’s needs above my own, that what started out voluntarily as part of my love language for my family could also deplete me as the years passed by and I slowly and subconsciously began to lose myself. No one told me, “No matter what, don’t forget to prioritize yourself too.” 

Neither books nor classes prepared me for the mental toll of hyper vigilance, maintaining a growing household, and being the emotional linchpin for my kids.

Why do most parents or those who work with parents seem to view loss of self as an inevitable and even acceptable part of parenthood? I’ve heard many people say that no one can truly know what parenthood involves until they’re in the thick of it, but I don’t hear people asking why that is so and how we can change that.

I resent the fact that there aren’t more resources or classes required pre-parenthood that focus on helping people to understand and better prepare for the mental and emotional upheaval that can ensue postpartum. And I am not referring to postpartum depression, as my struggles accumulated over the following years. I'm not stating this to scare anyone into thinking that parenthood comprises mostly doom and gloom. Just yesterday my 6-year-old announced at dinner, "My favorite thing today was doing something with you, Momma." That something was me showing him how to cook ramen noodles. The simple moments tend to be the most memorable.

However, we still need to make available and normalize parenting resources that help prepare us mentally. We need classes such as how to safeguard your own mental health, how to advocate for and prioritize yourself as you take on more and more responsibilities for others, and how to not lose the unique aspects that comprise your whole self. 

This is exactly why I’ve written this article, to help address these issues. If you have questions or concerns or what to work more with me on these issues, please contact me. 

1. Tell yourself a different story

We need to show ourselves love so that our hearts remain open to the love surrounding us.

We have to start with our mindset, especially if we’ve spent the last several years telling ourselves that we come last, that we don’t have enough time, that changing ourselves this far into the game would be too hard. Do any of those stories sound familiar? What about some of these: 

• I don’t have time to slow down.
• My family comes first.
• Being a parent implies giving up who I used to be.
• Prioritize myself? I can’t even pee by myself! 
• My kids won’t play alone long enough to allow me to think about myself.
• Even if I did give myself time to myself, I don’t even know what I’d do with that time. 

Guess what? I struggled with these same thought gremlins too. Some I still do.

For years, I focused on addressing my accumulating anxiety, my parenting skills, and my family’s needs. But I neglected my mind and body. I suppressed my loneliness. I ignored my personal interests. I forgot my creative self. Neglecting my needs, using social media to numb myself, feeling inadequate and alone—these are all signs of a guilt-led life. 

You are not only your family’s keeper. Wanting to pursue your own interests beyond parent life isn’t selfish.

And did any of that make me a better parent? No, it made me worse because I was depleted and depressed and resentful. As a result, I rarely felt my chest swell with happiness and gratitude. Instead, I disengaged from my family, hiding inside daydreams or scrolling through my phone. We need to show ourselves love so that our hearts remain open to the love surrounding us. 

Yes, the earlier years of parenthood can trap us inside the fog of survival mode. But if we’re not careful, we can slowly, unconsciously start to lose ourselves.

Like me, you are not only your family’s keeper. Wanting to pursue your own interests beyond parent life isn’t selfish. You’re a unique individual with your own needs and wants, with your own quirks, and your own dreams. And you need to remember those bits so that you remain whole. 

What we focus on grows; so what stories have you been telling yourself? What becomes possible if you start telling yourself the opposite? Set aside your doubt, and think about the opportunities and positivity that arise when you start telling yourself these stories:  

• You can afford to slow down.
• As a member of your family you are equally important.
• Being a parent is just one aspect of your ever-evolving self.
• You can make time for yourself too.
• You have a plan for your next scheduled alone time.

Whew, what an exciting way to view each day! But these stories don’t form overnight. You have to actively swap the old stories for these better ones every day. But eventually, these new stories are the ones that will grow. 

2. Identify your likes and dislikes

The first time I tried making such a list only 10 months ago, I stared at a blank piece of paper and fought back the urge to cry. That blank paper represented just how empty I felt inside. If this step generates similar feelings for you, take comfort, friends. Because even if you don’t know what you like or dislike anymore, you can use the strategies below to start building this list. You just have to give it a try.

Please, don’t skip this step. I don’t want you to fall into the same traps I did, such as avoiding alone time, mindlessly scrolling through my phone, or turning me time into house cleaning time. Make this list so you can begin to know yourself better, so you have a plan, so you won’t waste your time pondering what you can do. Also, it’s okay if you need to think about these for a while. You can grow this list over time. Add more items as you go about your day and new ideas pop into your mind.

Make this list so you can begin to know yourself better, so you have a plan, so you won’t waste your time pondering what you can do.

First, reexamine the present.

Identify what helps you feel grounded these days, what lights you up, what recharges your soul. Your likes can be as simple as a hot cup of tea or reading before bed. Perhaps you relish sitting quietly on your stoop and observing the world beyond your front door. Or maybe you refill your cup by strapping your child into a stroller and listening to music while you go for a long walk. List whatever makes you feel like a million bucks (or at least makes you feel more like yourself and less like what everyone else expects you to be). In a separate column, list your dislikes, the things that drain you. For example, laundry and cooking deplete me. 

Second, revisit your past. 

List previous hobbies, passions, and activities you used to like and what about those things appealed to you. In a separate column, list what about those things you didn’t like. This exercise is merely about observing and clarifying what inspired you and what disinterested you. Then you can use that knowledge to reconsider how you might revisit a past hobby; keep the aspects you liked and ditch what you didn’t. For example, if you enjoyed scrapbooking but disliked the time it required, maybe you can try crafting homemade frames as gifts. 

Last, ponder future possibilities. 

For this exercise, you need to set aside your fears and doubts regarding time, money, and energy. You also need to tell yourself that no matter how old you get, you can still experiment and try new things. Once you’ve opened your mind, start listing potential new hobbies or activities you could try, like making homemade soap or rock wall climbing. Can’t think of any new ideas? Ask your friends what they enjoy. Post the question on Facebook. Google hobby lists. Then make a plan to try one of those new ideas for at least a week, even if you start with just 10 minutes a day. If that hobby doesn’t light you up, try something else. Focus on experimenting and having fun.

3. Choose three rocks each day

If reading this angers you because you think I’m simplifying something that feels impossible, I challenge you to ask yourself if you’re filling your day with rocks, pebbles, or sand.

I’m sure someone else has already told you this, but it bears repeating: You need to include time for yourself in your daily schedule. This does not mean you should move your spouse, partner, or kids down on your priority list. You just need to move yours up because your needs are equally important.

If reading this angers you because you think I’m simplifying something that feels impossible, I challenge you to ask yourself if you’re filling your day with rocks, pebbles, or sand. If you aren’t familiar with this mindfulness practice, watch the below video or read the related article. 

In terms of prioritizing yourself, the rocks are the most important tasks or goals you need to accomplish before the end of the day. At least one of these rocks should focus on rejuvenating you. For example, I pick three big rocks each day; today they were writing this article, playing one-on-one with my preschooler for at least 20 minutes, and drafting LBP’s social media posts for the next 4 days. 

The pebbles and sand represent the tasks, the endless to-dos, that we manage to fit in throughout the day, like washing the dishes, running a load of laundry, calling the doctor, giving the kiddo a bath, picking the toys up off the living room floor—you get the idea. 

The point, as the video explains, is that if we spend the whole day focusing on just those pebbles and sand, we’ll never fit in those rocks. On the other hand, when we prioritize the rocks first, we still manage to fit in the sand because it literally finds its way into every nook and cranny. (Does anyone else hear Anakin Skywalker right now?) 

“I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere.”

Anakin Skywalker

To identify my rocks, I brain dump all my to-dos into a journal or a nearby notepad or the Notes app on my phone. Then I choose my three rocks for the day. While the house isn’t going to implode if I don’t do the laundry (pebble) today, I am more likely to implode if I don’t make time to write (rock). 

4. Re-examine your schedule

Look at your schedule, hour by hour. Cross out the inflexible hours, such as morning routines, school drop-offs, work hours, dinner time, homework, bedtime routines, etc. 

Next, look for the holes, even if they’re 10 or 20 minute increments. Consider these gaps in your schedule as opportunities to put down your phone and fit in at least one of the likes you identified above. For example, which rock can you focus on before the kids wake up, after lunch, during the kids’ screen time, while the kids are engrossed in something other than you, etc.

Now, for those of you who still think that making time for yourself isn’t possible because the moment you step away, the kids will set the house on fire, please take a look at Dayna Abraham’s SPARC plan. You can read about it here or watch the video below. This plan is made specifically for busy parents. It encompasses five ways to take care of yourself, and you can do any one of them anytime of the day and as quickly as in 1 minute. 

If you have time to scroll on your phone, you have time for other activities that will actually help recharge you and refill your cup. If nothing else, I hope you watch this video and create your own 5-minute SPARC plan. 

5. Simplify your dislikes

Remember that list of likes and dislikes? Examine those activities that drain you, and strategize how you can simplify or even eliminate at least one. For example, can you designate someone else in your family to handle laundry? Can you plan two nights of Costco pre-made meals so you don’t have to cook? If you hate cleaning, can you turn Saturday mornings into an all-hands-on-deck cleaning race? 

Instead of accepting life as it is, look at the pieces you don’t like so much and ask yourself how: How can I make this easier? How can I look at this from another angle? How can I remove this obstacle?

Consider creative solutions. For example, I loath cleaning my house, but I also don’t have the funds for a regular cleaning person. Then I found someone who needed help advertising her business and building her social media presence—skills I not only possess but also enjoy. While I helped her in those areas, she cleaned my home twice a month. 

By reducing or eliminating some of your to-dos, you’ll make more opportunities to prioritize yourself. 

6. Accept that quality matters

When you’ve scheduled time for yourself, whether you want to call this me time or self-care, how you do it is just as important, if not more, as what you do. While true self-care looks different for everyone, it shouldn’t feel like another chore. Thus, going to the grocery store alone doesn’t qualify as me time. You don’t come home refreshed, replenished, and feeling more like yourself. 

Quality time for yourself includes permitting yourself to slow down, to feel all the emotions of the day, and to clear your mind so you can recharge.

Lindsey Weigle discusses this candidly in her book, Enough Already, as she shares her journey of collapsing from burnout to finding peace and confidence within herself. Not even half way through the book, Lindsey helps readers to question how you do self-care. When you’re in the midst of me time—regardless if you’re in the shower, drinking your tea, or doing yoga—are you mentally reviewing everything you didn’t get done yet? Are you berating yourself for not being the best parent or partner 24/7? Are you thinking about the requirements of your next project?

I hope not. 

Quality time for yourself includes permitting yourself to slow down, to feel all the emotions of the day, and to clear your mind so you can recharge. It means giving yourself a safe space where you can return to just being you. Nothing more. Nothing less. 

7. Advocate for your time

To some, this notion may seem laughable or terrifying. I’m curious what stories you’ve been telling yourself and I encourage you to revisit step 1. Where in your life do you see other loved ones making time for themselves? Is it so crazy that you should do the same? 

So, how do you do this? Start with yourself. Look in the mirror, and tell yourself, “Wanting time for myself isn’t selfish. I can experiment and have fun as I find activities that light me up.” Reaffirm your priorities too: for example, if you find yourself thinking you can’t have tea and journal until you finish the laundry, tell yourself the exact opposite, that you’re not allowed to fold the laundry until you’ve taken a break. 

Next, if advocating your plans to others terrifies you, then you don’t have to do so via a formal declaration. Thanks to step 4, you know when you have holes in your schedule. If the kids and your partner are engaged elsewhere, you don’t have to announce your intentions. 

You can practice setting healthy, empathetic boundaries that not only protect your needs but also acknowledge and validate the needs of your individual family members.

If (okay, when) someone interrupts your planned alone time with a nonemergency, you can practice setting healthy, empathetic boundaries that not only protect your needs but also acknowledge and validate the needs of your individual family members. Try some of these scripts next time:

• I can’t wait to see what you want to show me, but first I need to finish reading this chapter.
• I love playing with you, but right now my brain is tired and so I need to let it rest for a bit.
• Hey guys, I’m going to step away for a little bit so I can write. After I’m done, we’ll do [insert family activity here].”
• What’s one thing each of us wants to do this weekend? [Make a visual chart and cross them off one at a time as they’re each completed; this shows your kids that everyone is treated fairly, including the parents.]

Advocacy takes practice, for both you and your family. As you make this a habit, you’ll build healthy boundaries and model how your kids can equally prioritize themselves when they’re parents one day too.

Conclusion

I understand that working through each of these may be challenging. But what you focus on grows. I’d rather stretch myself upward and outward, challenge others’ expectations, and keep evolving and exploring new versions of myself. After all, I'm the only one capable of giving my children a happy, healthy mother.

If you still question whether you should prioritize yourself too, whether you have the right or the energy to invest the time, then I have one last question for you: What do you want to model for your children? What type of parents do you hope they become? 

I want my kids to know that when they’re parents, they can still be themselves too. I want them to work together as a team, so every family member feels equally heard and valued.

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Featured photo by Edu Grande on Unsplash