Choosing to not be a critical parent

I’d much rather turn those “bad” parenting moments into learning opportunities.

Last week, I wrote an article about the moment I realized I was starting to become a critical parent, that I had unrealistic expectations of my 6-year-old and forgot he isn’t a miniature adult. Cue the mom guilt. 

Given how awful I felt, I could have easily continued beating myself up and calling myself a terrible parent. But what would that solve? What good would that do? I don’t need anymore reasons in my life to be depressed. 

As such, I’d much rather turn those “bad” parenting moments into learning opportunities. 

Thankfully, just when I decided to be more intentional about my tone and word choices, I found an article about wearing hair ties around my wrist as visual cues to help me reinforce these exact same goals. I read the rules about when to wear the hair ties, how I lose them when I’m modeling disrespectful tone and language, and how I can earn them back. 

So, can hair ties really help me to not be a critical parent? 

The results for me

A week has passed, and those hair ties have worked amazingly. Don’t get me wrong: The intention came from me. But having those hair ties create a slight pressure around my wrist helped me to reinforce that intention throughout the day. 

They also provided an unforeseen double bonus: When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I can slip my finger under them and spin them around, change how they overlap, etc., like a sensory fidget toy. In short, they engage my sense of touch to help refocus. And having another method to help me break through overwhelming moments is vital for me. 

Last, five hair ties actually felt a bit too tight on my wrist, so I used only four (and wore the fifth one in my hair during this hot, humid week). 

The results for my kids

Because my 6-year-old didn’t have to defend himself, he could instead focus on problem-solving.

The best breakthrough is how much better my son and I have interacted this whole week. He’s seemed happier and more affectionate. He and his little brother have fought significantly less. And when the kids did fight, I focused on those hair ties, stayed calm, and modeled respectful problem-solving strategies. 

Specifically, rather than getting caught up in who did what, I identified the problem and asked how we can solve it, just as Dr. Laura Markham suggested (see video below). For example, I heard my preschooler crying at 6:30 a.m. The kids had been playing with their lightsabers. Instead of running up stairs and yelling at my 6-year-old for being too rough, I announced, “We have a problem. We have two people playing a game, and only one of them is having fun. How can we play in a way so that everyone is having fun?” 

Because my 6-year-old didn’t have to defend himself, he could instead focus on problem-solving. In addition, I reminded my preschooler that he can use his words and tell his big brother when playtime is too rough. 

I helped my kids solve their problem in less than 2 minutes! And because everyone was happy, I could go lay down for another 15 minutes. Now that's what I call a win-win-win solution.

Featured photo by Erin P.T. Canning